The Better Question After Divorce

Humor, honesty, and the parts most people leave out.

That was the thought going through my brain as I walked around the Venice neighborhood in Los Angeles earlier this year. I was coming to grips with my marriage ending and the fact that I would no longer be living with my twins full time.

It was hitting me hard. I wore shades even though it was dusk so people couldn't see the tears coming down my face.

In my head I was doing the math on all the days, hours, meals, walks, movie nights, trips, etc., I would miss between now and their high school graduation. All the stuff I would've been there for if not for the divorce.

If there was one thing I wanted to get right in this life, it was everything I didn't have growing up.

Both parents under the same roof, a great house in a great neighborhood, a fridge in the garage, and stability.

And I had it for a while, that part was real.

On the walk I felt all the feels, and after the tears chilled out I found my way into one of my favorite bars that I hadn't been to in years on Abbott Kinney. It was dark inside. I sat at the long bar, far away from other folks, and ordered a Negroni.

As I nursed my drink, the question played on repeat:

What am I going to do when they're not around?

For better or worse, one thing I can't do is feel sorry for myself for too long. My brain kinda automatically goes into, "Alright Neves. Let's take action, solve this problem, and find the opportunity." Sometimes I fight all this fixing and solving, but it's how I'm built (for now). I've always been the reframe king.

Slowly, What am I going to do when they're not around? turned into...

Who am I going to become when they're not around?

When I landed on that question I immediately felt lighter. I exhaled. It didn't take away the pain of only having the kiddos half of the time. But I knew there was something I could do while simultaneously acknowledging that it’s ok to just be and sit and be with the hurt as well.

So I'm going to share 5 things I'm doing to answer the question: Who am I going to become when they're not around?

I'm an introvert. If left to my own devices, I could sit at home all day and work, watch documentaries, read the Financial Times, and go for long walks alone. Nothing wrong with any of these things (Geez, this sounds like a dating profile).

And I know that in this season (in most seasons, really) having somewhere to be keeps me from isolating. What this looks like is working out 6 days a week, playing padel with a group of friends on Monday evenings, my men's group "Man Morning" on Thursday mornings, and saying yes to dinners and events I previously would have declined.

I have a lot more "free time" than I used to, and I'm putting it toward work that really fires me up. Outside of my keynote speaking, there are three things that don't feel like work and are getting real traction.

Build Your Keynote is helping people get paid for what they already know. The Question app is helping people answer the most important question they'll ask themselves today. And something I started back in like 2015 will see the light of day early next year. Can't wait to share it with you.

These days when you have a challenge, it's easy to open up ChatGPT or Claude, type in your situation, and get an answer spit right back at you. It feels good because it feels like you made progress. But did you, though?

As a coach, I know that when someone gets an answer without doing the work, the results are short lived. So I'm committed to getting support in real life, not just in a chat box. That looks like picking up the phone, hearing people's voices, and letting them hear (and ask about) the nuances AI can't pick up on (yet). It looks like working with coaches and therapists and going to workshops.

Do I do this every single week? No. But it's part of my roadmap.

I'm a ridiculously private dude. I'm a pro at telling a story, not the whole story. I don't accidentally reveal anything.

And in this season, I'm opening up and sharing more. Funny enough, it's for me, not for anyone else. But it’s not lost on me that the more I share, the more connection I have with my audiences on stage and with you, my readers. In my life I've found that the things we're most embarrassed or ashamed of are usually the things that bring people closer together.

Don't get me wrong, I don't share everything. I don't believe everyone deserves to hear my whole story, or yours. But I'm sharing more.

I live in Los Angeles, but based on how I live here, I might as well live in Cleveland (but I never will). I mostly operate in a 5 mile radius and don't take advantage of all LA has to offer, which is a lot: museums, live music, comedy shows, studio tours, Lakers games, and food from just about every corner of the world.

So I'm sitting in more traffic to go do unfamiliar things so I can keep growing, learning, and enjoying myself.

I'll keep you posted on the journey.

So how about you?

Who are you becoming right now? Hit reply and let me know. I'd love to hear how this one hit you.

Tony

PS: Randomly, I lost power in my apartment the other day for a few hours. It's been super hot, and I was worried about all the food in the fridge and freezer going bad. If it happens again when the kiddos are here, I want to be ready so I bought a portable power station. A thousand bucks I didn’t plan on spending this week but I’ll sleep better.

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